Contrl

stomach-churning
ear-ringing
lacking
control

where is it/who has it

how do I get it?

Old way:
visualize

steel metal bands surround my chest
thick and tight, pulling closer, bringing everything in
spreading, connecting, locking away my emotion

lock away the need
the want
the desire

lock away the pain
the hurt
the anger

lock away my frustration
frustration
my frustration
my soul-devouring frustration
aching frustration

subsume that emotion
subsume that ache
subsume it all
until the only thing left

is love

a hollow love I see now
a surrender
emotional suicide
emotional ritual suicide

the good kid doesn't lust for girls
the good kid doesn't rebel
or fight back
when everyone else is so blatantly wrong
or hurtful

the good kid sucks it up.

sucks up everything.
every bit of abuse.
every bit of wrong-doing.
every bit of anger.
every bit of neglect.
of being pushed aside
being forced to grow up now
being the one in charge
being the protector
being the caretaker
being the one who keeps everybody together
being the peacemaker

who doesn't know
a single
ounce

of

fucking

peace.

spend twelve years
loving a father

who cheats on her mother

spend twelve years
learning a religion

that can't be questioned

have that man tear it all apart

and three years later

you meditate
and visualize

metal bands around your heart.